What am I doing? 

The last month has been, different. With him back in my life. Everything seems to go back into place. Like I've found, the remaining of my other half. Like having an old friend, back. But I'm guilty. And its not about whether I'm actually guilty or not, but the fact that I feel guilty.. I feel sorry towards him. Things may not be the same anymore.. or ever again.. and I dont want to ruin him, like I've ruin every one of the others.

Am I being just me again? Or is this what its meant to be. It is what its meant to be, but.. do I let myself do this again? Things like this keep happening in life, and I let myself fall for it every single time. My feelings are undeniable, but life is very realistic.

Them late night beach runs, them late night talks. The talks of honesty, sincere appreciation. I appreciate what I need to appreciate, and I need to be there and do my job properly. I need to get my shit together, and just have one focus on life. jas;dasd

Its been hard writing, but all my emotions rush to me at once and for the only time, I actually feel like I don't type fast enough.

I have just been really caught up with my emotions lately. I'm pretty emotional when it has to take me to start writing everything out again, its good to be back. Everything's just been a complete mess lately, outside and at home. I'm just trying to live that normal life, where I want to do my own thing and live quietly and pass days but everyones just been adding shit to it. Even my own feelings have been playing up.

Why am I so caught up with how I feel about him? Its been long enough of time, for each of us to just wipe out our memories and move along. To live the life that we've been living and just start fresh. But just the encounters, and the fact he's back makes me feel.. I miss you. I miss everything we had, and everything we shared. You were during the phases of my life where I grew up to be who I am today, and just knowing that you're not here anymore, and that we'll never be the same as we use to hurts me. It hurts me alot, to know that we know every little detail about each other, but having to pretend we're complete strangers hurts me, hurts me alot. I just wish that things didn't have to turn out this way.. but it did

It pains me, that my mind reminds me that we've ended up the way we are for a reason. There's a reason as to why we're like we are today. There's a reason why we never got back together, after all those years. Its been since 2008, its been a good 6 years.. its just been a god damn long time and I miss having you

I don't know, maybe im just not meant for anyone?

Okay, emotional Sarah coming right back into typing her feeling down to words. Seriously though, this is the best way to release my stress because I actually get to honestly, write down everything I feel.

What am I doing? What are you doing Sarah? - what are you trying to do to yourself, maybe something called doing the same mistake over and over again? Is this who you really want to be? How do you not have enough will power to make yourself better, and learn from your mistake.
I don't know I don't know, but I know.

Sarah gets too emotionally attached to everything, and when everything breaks apart. then I'm fucked. over and over again.

I think its that time of my emotional coaster again. I can't seem to settle my feelings, even though I try so hard to put them away. I know that it's there, but I do try hard to even tuck it away. I've never felt ever so lonely? Maybe now that Uni is over, and after the load of months and months of ongoing business and now all of a sudden I have all this time on my hands, that I've realized how empty my life is? How lonely and to my self I've been living my life?

Who can I blame though? I don't try and bother to catch up with my friends, I prefer to be by myself at home, or on my laptop and not going to those parties, and catch up. I don't know what to do. I toss and turn at night, thinking 'who are my true friends?' - but the only answer I can come up with is this - maybe I don't have any true friends. I don't have anyone I can always turn to, I don't have anyone is willingly unconditionally wanting to be there for me when I need them too? As much as it doesn't bother me, well now that it is for me to live this lonesome life, I can't help but sometimes feel that little bit upset that I can't have a normal friendship life like everyone else? Why don't I have any friends? What is wrong with me? things like this I shouldn't be asking myself because I know that I want to focus on Uni and my family the most. But maybe its the occurances with the boyfriend that sometimes gets me, to help him not be like me? He's fun and outgoing, a person who likes to be in the now wouldn't want to live a quiet lonesome life like me? I was so shattered to hear the news about that, but there really isn't anything I want to do.. even though I'm not sure how much willpower I have to do it anyway..

I think I'm going to cry so hard, I dont think anyone understands. And I dont know who to say all these feelings out to. The person I want to talk to, wont understand because she's already pinpointed her view of the story and just wont understand and see it from my perspective. I'm sorry its not something I can control, can people just stop making judgements for one second and listen?

(old post)

Hello, to me (again)

I've come running back to you again,

oh help little dear me. 19 and still coming back to teenage me, where I think its best to just pour everything out - a little at a time. I feel really bad for having abandoning you, for what seems like I don't even know. Sometimes, its times like this that I feel most lonely.. like there isn't any one person that I can just run to and sincerely pour out my entire heart to - which is what makes me the most sad. Knowing that 19 doesn't make me, any more smarter, more wiser and or more experienced in any aspect of life, I feel like I'm still growing up, and trying to figure out who I really am. Im trying really hard to not be that person, I wish I wasn't - but what goes for the saying 'they all turn out to be those, who they swore they wouldn't be'. 

I've thought countless times, that I'd be needing to start writing a journal soon - but that never happens because I don't know, I would love to, but there isn't that motivation to get me actually writing one because I'm so OCD about my hand writing and the presentation of things. I don't even know what I'm talking about.

My mind is busy, but I'm not sure with what. 

Maybe it's my unfulfilled tasks, my desire to wanting to live that better life, my unachieved expectations or what is it actually that keeps me up at night and not letting me sleep.

Is it the boyfriend?, the friend that I actually don't have anymore, or the friends that I need to start making effort for? It's selfish of me to say, but I actually understand what I mother meant by that family, in the end becomes more important - you don't need to have friends. Back then I'd argue with her, 'I need friends, I need friends' but oh mother, could I say how much I understand what you meant back then. Who are friends, what are friends? There is too much ambiguity within the lines of friendship, let alone pouring your whole heart into one - and later finding out all was for nothing. 

I do miss him, sometimes. But this distance between us, makes me really wonder whether we were really ever soul mates? Or have I valued this relationship too much to have reached such conclusion. If we were meant to be, then he wouldn't have treated me like the girls he'd ended with. I just thought, maybe we were more than that - but I guess not so. Which makes me most sad, at night to think that everything I've ever thought to be, isn't the way it is. It's almost his birthday, it makes me anxious. To what I should do, and what I need to do. Just every time I come across an old memory, it dies a little inside. I've noticed that from all the years we've been together, we rarely took any photos together. Which is what hurts more, because it seems like - it was all a dream. Like nothing happened, and everything that I have in my memory, was more like a dream. No evidence, no nothing. If it wasn't for the few things we carried, I would have maybe talked myself into believing that nothing ever happened between us. Maybe there is no such thing as a soul mate. But I believe in them, I really do believe in soul mates. I hoped he was mine, but if not I'm really willing to wait for mine, because I believe the other half does exists. I really do