oh help little dear me. 19 and still coming back to teenage me, where I think its best to just pour everything out - a little at a time. I feel really bad for having abandoning you, for what seems like I don't even know. Sometimes, its times like this that I feel most lonely.. like there isn't any one person that I can just run to and sincerely pour out my entire heart to - which is what makes me the most sad. Knowing that 19 doesn't make me, any more smarter, more wiser and or more experienced in any aspect of life, I feel like I'm still growing up, and trying to figure out who I really am. Im trying really hard to not be that person, I wish I wasn't - but what goes for the saying 'they all turn out to be those, who they swore they wouldn't be'.
I've thought countless times, that I'd be needing to start writing a journal soon - but that never happens because I don't know, I would love to, but there isn't that motivation to get me actually writing one because I'm so OCD about my hand writing and the presentation of things. I don't even know what I'm talking about.
My mind is busy, but I'm not sure with what.
Maybe it's my unfulfilled tasks, my desire to wanting to live that better life, my unachieved expectations or what is it actually that keeps me up at night and not letting me sleep.
Is it the boyfriend?, the friend that I actually don't have anymore, or the friends that I need to start making effort for? It's selfish of me to say, but I actually understand what I mother meant by that family, in the end becomes more important - you don't need to have friends. Back then I'd argue with her, 'I need friends, I need friends' but oh mother, could I say how much I understand what you meant back then. Who are friends, what are friends? There is too much ambiguity within the lines of friendship, let alone pouring your whole heart into one - and later finding out all was for nothing.
I do miss him, sometimes. But this distance between us, makes me really wonder whether we were really ever soul mates? Or have I valued this relationship too much to have reached such conclusion. If we were meant to be, then he wouldn't have treated me like the girls he'd ended with. I just thought, maybe we were more than that - but I guess not so. Which makes me most sad, at night to think that everything I've ever thought to be, isn't the way it is. It's almost his birthday, it makes me anxious. To what I should do, and what I need to do. Just every time I come across an old memory, it dies a little inside. I've noticed that from all the years we've been together, we rarely took any photos together. Which is what hurts more, because it seems like - it was all a dream. Like nothing happened, and everything that I have in my memory, was more like a dream. No evidence, no nothing. If it wasn't for the few things we carried, I would have maybe talked myself into believing that nothing ever happened between us. Maybe there is no such thing as a soul mate. But I believe in them, I really do believe in soul mates. I hoped he was mine, but if not I'm really willing to wait for mine, because I believe the other half does exists. I really do
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