What am I doing? 

The last month has been, different. With him back in my life. Everything seems to go back into place. Like I've found, the remaining of my other half. Like having an old friend, back. But I'm guilty. And its not about whether I'm actually guilty or not, but the fact that I feel guilty.. I feel sorry towards him. Things may not be the same anymore.. or ever again.. and I dont want to ruin him, like I've ruin every one of the others.

Am I being just me again? Or is this what its meant to be. It is what its meant to be, but.. do I let myself do this again? Things like this keep happening in life, and I let myself fall for it every single time. My feelings are undeniable, but life is very realistic.

Them late night beach runs, them late night talks. The talks of honesty, sincere appreciation. I appreciate what I need to appreciate, and I need to be there and do my job properly. I need to get my shit together, and just have one focus on life. jas;dasd

Its been hard writing, but all my emotions rush to me at once and for the only time, I actually feel like I don't type fast enough.

I have just been really caught up with my emotions lately. I'm pretty emotional when it has to take me to start writing everything out again, its good to be back. Everything's just been a complete mess lately, outside and at home. I'm just trying to live that normal life, where I want to do my own thing and live quietly and pass days but everyones just been adding shit to it. Even my own feelings have been playing up.

Why am I so caught up with how I feel about him? Its been long enough of time, for each of us to just wipe out our memories and move along. To live the life that we've been living and just start fresh. But just the encounters, and the fact he's back makes me feel.. I miss you. I miss everything we had, and everything we shared. You were during the phases of my life where I grew up to be who I am today, and just knowing that you're not here anymore, and that we'll never be the same as we use to hurts me. It hurts me alot, to know that we know every little detail about each other, but having to pretend we're complete strangers hurts me, hurts me alot. I just wish that things didn't have to turn out this way.. but it did

It pains me, that my mind reminds me that we've ended up the way we are for a reason. There's a reason as to why we're like we are today. There's a reason why we never got back together, after all those years. Its been since 2008, its been a good 6 years.. its just been a god damn long time and I miss having you

I don't know, maybe im just not meant for anyone?

Okay, emotional Sarah coming right back into typing her feeling down to words. Seriously though, this is the best way to release my stress because I actually get to honestly, write down everything I feel.

What am I doing? What are you doing Sarah? - what are you trying to do to yourself, maybe something called doing the same mistake over and over again? Is this who you really want to be? How do you not have enough will power to make yourself better, and learn from your mistake.
I don't know I don't know, but I know.

Sarah gets too emotionally attached to everything, and when everything breaks apart. then I'm fucked. over and over again.